WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
