I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
