my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
porn star boner night. come get it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
