yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
