saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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