I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
