This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
