the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
