I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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