What did we do last night that was yellow?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
