Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
