I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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