ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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