You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
