my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
