so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
