I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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