I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's shark week go big or go home
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
