we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
