Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
