i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My breasts were aching with rage.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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