i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
