I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
im on a boat
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