I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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