If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
