I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
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You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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