he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
