if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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