I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
