u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
