I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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