Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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