I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
