I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
a search helicopter?!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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