there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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