just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Of course I have a pirate flag
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
