Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
