We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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