Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
