You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
