I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
