I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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