I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Someone shattered a urinal.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
