No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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