I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
