As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
