You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
