We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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