Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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