a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
