The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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