I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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